JOY? What Joy? My Three letter word is....WHY?

Is is possible to find joy after the death of a child? Kathleen O'Hara writes about that 3-letter word in her book, A Grief Like No Other.
Joy is an elusive quality, one everyone seems to want but few people have. Often, joy comes only after the struggle, not before. It is not something you can buy or borrow, but rather something that comes directly out of pain and sorrow.

Joy is the sister of hope. Joy follows the long labor of childbirth; it is springtime after the harsh winter and eternity after the brief breath of life.

For those who have survived the death of a child, the jackals indeed roam. Our lives are desolate and our hearts are sick. How can we be joyful when such awful things have happened to us and those we love?

An even greater tragedy would be to allow the loss to keep us from joy; then truly, it has destroyed us. Even if you do not feel joy now, believe that, in the future it will come, but you must allow it.
-Written by Kathleen O'Hara

Blogger's note: This passage is a hard one to swallow after such devastating loss. It haunts me because there is a part of my heart and soul that says, "Life has been irreparably altered. It can't be fixed by skipping around like a school girl searching for 'joy' and all of her cheery friends." True, it is unfixable and I'm not looking for a bandaid. Perhaps the deeper meaning relates to the choices that lie ahead.  Each and every day I can choose to look at what my daughter would want for me to do and open myself up to little pieces of joy or I can turn my back on what she would want and live in the darkness that so willingly befriended me. My choice is to be 'open' to the possibility. I think that is good enough for now. -Marsha

The Original Vessel

The loss of our precious cargo....

"The Original Vessel" is described in  honor of a single father named Howard, whose only daughter, Lori, had been murdered. For years after it happened, Howard lost interest in everything he once valued. He felt 'completely gutted' inside and could hardly muster the energy to do more than 'go through the motions." When asked if anything gave him pleasure or even a moment of joy he looked out the window and stated,
It's like those cargo ships down there. Once they dock and unload, they re down to the original vessel -- you know, the core structure, empty and waiting. Well, that's me now. I used to take on things I thought gave me joy --my house, my car, my boat---but now they mean nothing. With Lori gone, I don't care about loading up again. Or let me say this: You can bet if anything remotely interesting comes along, I won't just acquire it and throw it in the hold like I used to do. I want to decide what has meaning for me and what doesn't.

This idea of the essential vessel --the 'core self," the "essential you," the "person you really are" -- is the one part of us that remains after tragedy empties us out. But if there is any benefit to grief (and for years I would have sworn there was none), it lies in the possibility of building a new and even fulfilling life from the ruins. We learn that when we're young, we may not give much thought to the decisions we make, because if we've made a mistake, we live with it and go on. But later, something happens---the death of a child ---that leads us to 'unpack' or reexamine our choices and see if we're on the journey we've always wanted. (1)

Even Sigmund Freud, on the day his deceased daughter Sophie would have been 36 years old, wrote in a letter to a friend:
Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. (2)

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stated that facing such a profound loss means facing the ultimate of life. To live to the fullest requires an awareness that life is ultimately short and that everything we do must be made to count. When the unthinkable happens we are forced to see that we ultimately do not have the final say.(3)

Thinking about those perspectives challenges us to find a way to look beyond the fiery pain of loss. Though our vessels may feel like they have been emptied, important treasures are still in that hold for which we can be thankful. Identifying and acknowledging those treasures and allowing them to 'bloom & grow' offers hope that our ship will sail again....with precious cargo. Like Howard, adding 'new' cargo could become a very selective process, yet profoundly meaningful.

The bumper sticker phrase "What Would Jesus Do?" has presented itself to me through the years when I'm 'out-and-about' town. These days I've added to that...."What Would My Child Want Me To Do?"
~Marsha Abbott

Recent Articles:
The Day The Music Died: Discusses experiences and lack of joy from things we previously enjoyed.
Our Children Are Not Lost: Discusses how we look at what has happened to our child.
How To Talk To a Bereaved Parent: Discusses the sadness of 'silence'.


*Homepage for A New Journey Blog: Want to receive new posts/articles when they are posted? Become a 'follower' of the blog and you'll be notified when new posts have been made.
*Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the death of a child. -

(1) From: Sugar Cookies And A Nightmare: Carol Kearn
(2) From: Sugar Cookies And A Nightmare:Carol Kearn
(3) Quote from Elisabeth Kulber-Ross w/link to information about her

Video Of A Mother's Journey Of Grief

Experiencing the death of your child is indescribable. This mother speaks about her journey after her son died in a mountain climbing accident.  A worthwhile listen...

The stages of grief can come in ripples, waves and Tsunamis.  Cynthia Seefahrt's story is heartfelt, intuitive, open, raw, honest and describes her attitude about the future.

If you get the chance to watch the video, Space Between Breaths (link to a clip),  it is good documentary. The lives of several families mourning the deaths of their children is documented; their outlooks, their journey, their faith or lack of it, their path for the future. The cause of death was different in all families; illness, suicide, and accident. If the documentary is not available at your library, you can order it at Amazon.com. -Marsha Abbott


Visit A New Journey on Facebook. A resource and place of hope for grieving parents.  http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-New-Journey/139541632740837