How To Talk To A Bereaved Parent

Society at large does not handle death well, especially the death of a child. As time passes,does ignoring what has happened....help?


In her book, Parental Loss of a Child, author Theresa Rando discusses that we are living in a death-denying society. Outliving one's child compounds the bereaved parents' loss because of the unnaturalness. The 'strange and callous' avoidance response on the part of society to the bereaved, particularly to the bereaved parent exemplifies the general societal avoidance of the subject, ie. don't know what to say, don't know what to do, so avoid the subject and avoid the person. Let somebody closer to them handle it.

The consequences of such denial for those grieving may be profound -- again, especially for the bereaved parent, of whom grief is felt very differently. At a time when bereaved parents need comfort and support, they often hear meaningless phrases such as, "Keep a stiff upper lip," "It was God's will," Thank goodness you have other children, " "You are so strong." or "You are young and you can have other children."

In order to really be of support to someone you care about who has lost a child, it is wise to read about the subject. Many who have, describe it as a 'closet cleaning' experience.

Since children represent society's hopes, dreams, and promise for the future, the death of a child is always difficult to accept. Society, significantly threatened by such a loss, may impose unrealistic expectations on grief-stricken parents.(1) For this reason, the bereaved parent may receive little support other than what occurred during the time of the funeral and a month or two following.

The support need only be a hug and a few comforting words to help the parent along. On the birthday of her 18-year old daughter, who was murdered, a mother said, "When they just hug you, that shows they care. And I know they do and I know they are sincere because I have known them for a while. A gentle approach like that helps. Most of them don't say a lot, but they don't need to. They'll kind of come up and hug ya and say, "How are you doing?" Just a brief encouragement that way to let me know they're there. That means a lot.

A bereaved parent doesn't get over their loss. They learn to live with it. Just like the parent whose child has gone off to college or just gotten married, the memories of a child are real for all parents no matter what has happened. We would not meet a friend for coffee knowing their child is newly married, and not mention anything about that child. We would not enter a person's newly purchased home and not mention anything about the new home, pretending that it didn't exist. In the same way, a kind memory of a bereaved parent's child acknowledges that you care, you remember and that it is not an 'off limits' subject. A bereaved parent carries with them not only the loss of their child, but the social challenge of accepting the 'silence' of the society. How can you help? Break the silence. Their child may be gone from this earth, but their love is not gone....just like the love you have for your child(ren).

In the same way that a parent whose newly married child would not expect the whole conversation to revolve around that child, a bereaved parent would not expect the whole conversation to revolve around their child. It is the 'acknowledgement' that means so much.

One woman wrote about the loss of her friend's daughter:
I personally grieved for her and my husband did too, very intensely. Not only because of my relationship and acquaintance with her through the years but because I identified so strongly with her. I mean, her daughter spent the night at our house, was a friend of my daughter''s. I think it's interesting, because I grieved for that mother, and for my personal loss of her daughter, and for my child's loss of her. It was on so many levels. What I also learned is that the mom needs to keep talking about her daughter. She needs support for years -- and I know that. I will be there for her because I learned I can step outside myself...even though I don't have answers. (2)

When society tells us we shouldn't speak to the parent about their child, and that we shouldn't remind them of their loss, this makes no sense. Keeping silent about it doesn't erase it. Do we think a bereaved parent doesn't think about their loss in some form every day? Why then, do we think we are doing them a favor by keeping silent?  We don't have to become armchair counselors. Just the mention of a pleasant memory, or a "I think about you a lot".....is all it takes. So simple and yet so powerful. -Marsha
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The Day The Music Died : A Discussion about trying to regain the simple pleasures we used to take for granted.

*Visit Facebook: A New Journey, for quotes, links, and articles of hope regarding the death of a child. -


(1) Kerns: grief psychologist
(2) Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare; C. Kerns

What Never To Do When Someone You Love Loses A Child

This excerpt is from an article written by Dr. Cara Barker, author and bereaved parent. She offers 9 things to avoid when trying to comfort a grieving parent.

 "When a child dies, it is the most natural thing in the world to reach out, to struggle for words, and ways of comforting the family. Unfortunately, there are things that you can do which do not comfort, but only deepen the pain of the death.

Before my own son was killed nearly 18 years ago, I had studied the bereavement process, done grief work with Elisabeth Kubler Ross, and worked with a number of bereaved parents. That said, I knew nothing. Not until my own son was lost. In fact, a few hours after he died, I remember saying to my friend: "This is surreal. I feel like I've gotten trapped in the audience of that Oprah Winfrey show on bereaved parents. This can't be happening in my life!" I also remember telling my 8 year-old daughter that her brother was gone. I will never remember her tears, or words, when she said: "Mommy, it's raining in my heart."

So, if you know someone who has lost a child, and you feel inept, know that you are not alone. No words, no acts can take away the canyon in their heart. Trust me. The process takes a lifetime. Death of your child is something you do not ever 'get over.' You either give up on life when it happens, or you choose to grow through what has happened, and go on to deepen your contribution. Before Elisabeth's death, I shared with her that I've found a Sixth Step to her five step bereavement cycle. The sixth is all about creation. It does not happen overnight.

What Not to Do.

1. Never, ever say "He/she is in a better place." That may comfort you, if you are a believer, but it does not touch the fact that your friend is sitting in the middle of the worst experience a parent can have. Instead, if it is honest, simply say something like "There are no words for what you must be experiencing." Stay out of your head, and go into your heart.

2. Never, ever keep a stop-watch on someone's grieving. You do not know, anymore than they do, how long healing may take. Instead, focus on staying present with the bereaved. Here is the time to listen.

3. Never, ever trivialize what has happened with your own story. Instead, keep your focus on their loss.

4. Never, ever refer to who died in impersonal ways. Instead, use the name of the child. You may feel uncomfortable, but bereaved parents, especially over the long haul suffer a private pain because they fear the world will forget their baby.

5. Never, ever forget other children in the situation. Not only have they lost a sibling, but they lose their parents psychologically during grieving, regardless how aware the parents may be. Instead, spend time with the child. For young children, bring color crayons, and suggest a picture. This may be something they would like to tuck into the garments of the child who died, if there is to be burial, or cremation. Do not interpret the child's reaction to mean they are not grieving. Children grieve in different ways. Let them.

6. Never, ever forget that holidays and anniversaries carry a particular pain. (Nearly no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. It is a great time for a card that says you've not forgotten. Instead, remember when you are celebrating rites of passage with your own child, e.g. graduations, weddings, grandchildren, that this brings a sting to your friend, no matter how much they might love your crew. Don't be afraid to mention the name of the child who has died at these times. Let your friend know you appreciate this must 'bring up' a lot for them.

7. Never, ever forget that, as long as you are speaking from your heart, that your love is invaluable. You cannot err. Relax. Breathe. Your friendship means everything.

8. Never, ever assume that it is impossible to begin life anew. Instead, know that it may take a great deal of time and concentrated work, but, just as spring follows winter, life can be reborn with a focus, and support, and guidance from those who have been through the wringer.

9. Never, ever discount your own sense of things. If your friend is starting to isolate, or act in unusual ways, suggest additional support/professional help.

 **There are 2 A New Journeys on facebook. The  additional wall is titled: Anew Journey  (same name...different spelling). It contains information, links, quotes that are not on the main ANJ wall. Quotes and links are visible to members only.  Everyone is welcome to join by submitting a 'friend' request.

The Elephant Lingers

Written for bereaved parents who ache when friends and family avoid bringing up the name or memory of their child.

The Elephant Lingers

Smiling conversations,
current events and weather predictions.

The elephant lumbers through the room.

A loss not consequential enough for weather discussions.

Spirituality and compassion carefully

hidden in a closet like delicate lace.

‘Silence is golden’ approach applied to

wounds needing hugs and communication.

The elephant roars.

Humanity tested

in every deflected opportunity.

Unwilling to share memories, joys, a connection.

Parents bleeding, suffering the silence

of the world.

Trapped by walls of avoidance

the elephant remains

locked in the room of chit-chat
surrounded by the weather commentators. 

  - Marsha Abbott

Visit A New Journey on Facebook. A place for grieving parents, siblings and caring friends searching for hope after the death of a child.

I can be reached by email at: Marsha@nwdesignservices.com
Feel free to leave comments here, on facebook or via email.a
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The Tenderhearted Friend

There a untold earth angels roaming this world, in the form of old, new and renewed friends. Like a bell, tragedy signals action, and they lovingly respond.

Seasons of darkness descended upon my life
when my child died.
Cards arrived...
Services attended...
Flowers with lingering scents...
Alone to privately experience hell....
With outward smiles and 'buck-up' appearances...

I'm thankful for the friends...

Who look me up from a long ago past.
Who call for coffee dates and hugs.
Who can't imagine being in my shoes
....lending me their slippers of love.
Who don't find reasons to stay busy
....with their own lives, safe and secure.
Who remember my child.
....and take the time to share a memory.
Who have the courage to look at real loss.
Who show me the meaning of faith
....and demonstate in outreach.
Who don't feel the need to say something 'quotable'.
Who can imagine color turning to black and white.
Who know that laughter is a pathway to hope.
Who don't use my broken bleeding heart
....to pin/post their blessings list.
Who know that we are all here for a reason
....our lives as friends were connected for a purpose.
Who don't put a time stamp on friendship
....and connect anyway.
Who share a recipe, joke, or tidbit of news
....just for the fun of it.
Whose tenderheart gives thanks that losing a child
....was NOT something that happened to them, yet
have a deep place in their soul that understands.
Who have patience and trust I will
....find a way to thank them.

Blessings to my tenderhearted friends and the friends of my child
....They possess a special gift.  -Marsha Abbott


Visit A New Journey on Facebook. A resource and place of hope for grieving parents.  http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-New-Journey/139541632740837