Do you often wonder how this catastropic event found it's way into your life? Have you observed other parents and families whose lives have been spared this horror and wondered, "WHY my child? WHY us?" Have you noticed that one or more things you formerly enjoyed, cease to bring you joy?
Music has been a mainstay in my life, well before our children were born. Perhaps being a product of the Rock n' Roll generation meant that 'upbeat tempo' would become a part of everything I did. It provided background music in the house when I was home, provided 'party mood' music (nice and loud) when I entertained, and offered great companionship while traveling in the car. Our kids loved it too. I can rarely remember a time when there was no music in the house or car, until now.
Like a tapestry, music threads it's way into every part of life. It chronicles the years, the memories, and all of the special occasions. I never realized just how powerful music had been in my life until my daughter was killed. That was the day the music died for me. Now when I listen, I cry. Unfortunately crying isn't always convenient when you are working, or doing social things. For a long time now I have told my husband to turn off the radio when I get into his car, because I inevitably end up crying and arrive at our destination in a mascara mess. So many songs remind me of her. We shared the same taste in music. She always kept my iPod up to date. She often called me to ask me to listen to her new favorite.
Pundits say that reactions such as this are understandable and peace will eventually come. I search for parents who have found that 'peace'. I look for credible sources; those who have also lost a child and have travelled this journey.
Sometimes the injustice of this loss feels like perpetual purgatory. There is no choice but to surrender and experience the devestation. Like a tsunami that hits with full force, it doesn't matter how much faith or connection we seek, the wave of despair arrives and has it's way with us.
When author, Barbara Rose, talks about feeling like a 'breathing corpse', I can relate. What a perfect analogy. I often feel that way when my tsunamis hit.
Barbara explains, "Humanity cries over the loss of a child, and yet what many have not fully integrated into daily knowledge is that when a person leaves this physical life, and crosses over to the other side, they are vibrantly ALIVE again! If your loved one is on the other side, call out to him! Speak to them. Our loved ones can hear us, they actually visit us, even though we cannot physically see them because they are no longer in a physical body, but their soul, their essence, their consciousness and ALL of the love they feel for you is just as alive as you are right now."
I've taken Barbara's advice and called out. I've meditated, connected with mediums, prayed, and have found wonderful connections. They offer comfort...... but the tsunamis still arrive unannounced and unpredictible. The waves crash into my heart leaving ruins and the promise to return.
Barbara strongly believes our experience here on earth is part of an ultimate plan. She says, "From lifetime to lifetime we experience despair. We do not remember all we have undergone in our prior lifetimes. We do not remember learning so many lessons. This is the lifetime to bridge the gap between human catastrophe and spiritual truth. Nothing happens in this universe that is void of energy. It is the loving energy in your heart that desires understanding that will receive exactly what you need, you just have to be willing to receive."
Though I don't believe Barbara has gone through the death of her own child, she views the energy of the soul as unending. I do as well.
Perhaps time is the key that will re-open the door of music for me. I wish I knew. Until that day, I fill the silence in the room with my prayerful connections to my daughter. The quietness in my car is filled with 'chats' with her. I have faith that she hears.
Those familiar lyrics, the day the music died , are very real for me. The reality that what once was.... will never be again, at least on this earth. Finding ways to hear the music again will be the ultimate challenge. I know my daughter wants me to hear it again.
*American Pie, by Don McLean
*Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of thirteen books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!
*Visit A New Journey On Facebook: A place for grieving parents, family and friends