JOY? What Joy? My Three letter word is....WHY?

Is is possible to find joy after the death of a child? Kathleen O'Hara writes about that 3-letter word in her book, A Grief Like No Other.
Joy is an elusive quality, one everyone seems to want but few people have. Often, joy comes only after the struggle, not before. It is not something you can buy or borrow, but rather something that comes directly out of pain and sorrow.

Joy is the sister of hope. Joy follows the long labor of childbirth; it is springtime after the harsh winter and eternity after the brief breath of life.

For those who have survived the death of a child, the jackals indeed roam. Our lives are desolate and our hearts are sick. How can we be joyful when such awful things have happened to us and those we love?

An even greater tragedy would be to allow the loss to keep us from joy; then truly, it has destroyed us. Even if you do not feel joy now, believe that, in the future it will come, but you must allow it.
-Written by Kathleen O'Hara

Blogger's note: This passage is a hard one to swallow after such devastating loss. It haunts me because there is a part of my heart and soul that says, "Life has been irreparably altered. It can't be fixed by skipping around like a school girl searching for 'joy' and all of her cheery friends." True, it is unfixable and I'm not looking for a bandaid. Perhaps the deeper meaning relates to the choices that lie ahead.  Each and every day I can choose to look at what my daughter would want for me to do and open myself up to little pieces of joy or I can turn my back on what she would want and live in the darkness that so willingly befriended me. My choice is to be 'open' to the possibility. I think that is good enough for now. -Marsha

WHY ME?

In response to the question that will never have a satisfactory answer:

So early on, the only satisfactory answer to Why? -- and the even more self-centered Why Me? -- became Why Not? How could I have thought that tragedy was reserved only for others? That I was somehow special? Happiness and I had enjoyed a long run. I knew that. I just wasn't special anymore.

No, the question that pierces my heart is not Why Me? but Why my child? That's harder. That's much, much harder. That requires much deeper thought.
~Marsha

(Want to share your ideas about the question, why? Share your thoughts here or at A New Journey on Facebook)

ROCK ON?

Most of us give little thought  to the raw materials which are formed into things we use. Take rocks for example.  Fire, water, and glacial pressure have worked on them for ages, yet we readily turn them into walls, patios, and fireplaces. They often become a part of the homes where we raise our children; where we teach them life’s lessons.

For those rocks to reach the point of being used for this purpose, they have endured much. Nature has pummeled them, dynamite has torn them apart, pickaxes have broken and split them into pieces. They are often disfigured and without design. Gradually they are cut into blocks. Some are chiseled with sharper instruments until they are properly prepared to be used.

Are we similar to these stones? There is certainly much we don’t understand. Life isn’t easy. Those who have suffered the death of a child have been  forced to endure the most incredible pain. Is our spirit being chiseled for a greater purpose? Will the choices we make along this journey develop our souls?  Perhaps like the stone, we have been cast in this earthly quarry to prepare. –Marsha

Isaiah 54:11

In case you have missed recent posts:
Why Does A Young Person Have To Die?- Questions and answers
The Day The Music Died - Discussion of the difficulty of returning to previous joys
The Tenderhearted Friend-Those amazing qualities

Visit A New Journey on Facebook: A place for grieving parents, families and friends.
a
a
a
a

The Day The Music DIED

"But something touched me deep inside, the day the music died." ~Don McLean/American Pie

Do you often wonder how this catastropic event found it's way into your life? Have you observed other parents and families whose lives have been spared this horror and wondered, "WHY my child? WHY us?"  Have you noticed that one or more things you formerly enjoyed, cease to bring you joy?

Music has been a mainstay in my life, well before our children were born. Perhaps being a product of the Rock n' Roll generation meant that 'upbeat tempo' would become a part of everything I did. It provided background music in the house when I was home, provided 'party mood' music (nice and loud) when I entertained, and offered great companionship while traveling in the car. Our kids loved it too. I can rarely remember a time when there was no music in the house or car, until now.

Like a tapestry, music threads it's way into every part of life.  It chronicles the years, the memories, and all of the special occasions. I never realized just how powerful music had been in my life until my daughter was killed. That was the day the music died for me. Now when I listen, I cry. Unfortunately crying isn't always convenient when you are working, or doing social things. For a long time now I have told my husband to turn off the radio when I get into his car, because I inevitably end up crying and arrive at our destination in a mascara mess. So many songs remind me of her. We shared the same taste in music. She always kept my iPod up to date. She often called me to ask me to listen to her new favorite.

Pundits say that reactions such as this are understandable and peace will eventually come. I search for parents who have found that 'peace'. I look for credible sources; those who have also lost a child and have travelled this journey.

Sometimes the injustice of this loss feels like perpetual purgatory. There is no choice but to surrender and experience the devestation. Like a tsunami that hits with full force, it doesn't matter how much faith or connection we seek, the wave of despair arrives and has it's way with us.

When author, Barbara Rose, talks about feeling like a 'breathing corpse', I can relate. What a perfect analogy. I often feel that way when my tsunamis hit.

Barbara explains, "Humanity cries over the loss of a child, and yet what many have not fully integrated into daily knowledge is that when a person leaves this physical life, and crosses over to the other side, they are vibrantly ALIVE again! If your loved one is on the other side, call out to him! Speak to them. Our loved ones can hear us, they actually visit us, even though we cannot physically see them because they are no longer in a physical body, but their soul, their essence, their consciousness and ALL of the love they feel for you is just as alive as you are right now."

I've taken Barbara's advice and called out. I've meditated, connected with mediums, prayed, and have found wonderful connections. They offer comfort...... but the tsunamis still arrive unannounced and unpredictible. The waves crash into my heart leaving ruins and the promise to return.

Barbara strongly believes our experience here on earth is part of an ultimate plan. She says,  "From lifetime to lifetime we experience despair. We do not remember all we have undergone in our prior lifetimes. We do not remember learning so many lessons. This is the lifetime to bridge the gap between human catastrophe and spiritual truth. Nothing happens in this universe that is void of energy. It is the loving energy in your heart that desires understanding that will receive exactly what you need, you just have to be willing to receive."

Though I don't believe Barbara has gone through the death of her own child, she views the energy of the soul as unending. I do as well.

Perhaps time is the key that will re-open the door of music for me. I wish I knew. Until that day, I fill the silence in the room with my prayerful connections to my daughter. The quietness in my car is filled with  'chats' with her. I have faith that she hears.

Those familiar lyrics, the day the music died , are very real for me. The reality that what once was.... will  never be again, at least on this earth.  Finding ways to hear the music again will be the ultimate challenge. I know my daughter wants me to hear it again.
 -Marsha


*American Pie, by Don McLean
*Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of thirteen books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!
*Visit A New Journey On Facebook:  A place for grieving parents, family and friends
a
a
a