Quit Expecting Me To Get Over This!

One of the  reoccurring comments from grieving parents is, "Nobody understands". In truth, they are right.

A bereaved parent will never forget the first moment they learned their child died. The vast unending darkness, disbelief, feelings of despair, and the soulful ache for which most acknowledge there are no words. Like a molotov cocktail, the shock, making funeral requirements, phone calls, and the surreal nature of dealing with a tragedy our hearts and minds can't understand has been hurled directly at us. It explodes as we struggle to keep up outward appearances. Putting one foot in front of the other is an amazing feat.

Somewhere in the months following the condolences, a realization forms; this horrible darkness has the immense power to exert a stranglehold around our hearts forever. The world is not the same and we feel like puppets performing tasks with no vigor, life or pre-loss vitality. Like dirt particles situated dangerously close to the powerful vacuum of darkness, we realize that vacuum is extremely strong and we feel very weak.

Perhaps in that moment we understand we've reached a crossroads. Doing nothing means the vacuum will suck us up into that dark bag; a place where we'll meet other's who've also been swept up. It represents place where our former selves would never reside. The humming of the motor sings it's own dark melody,and we realize we already know every lyric.  Our subconscious recognizes the power of this force, and somehow we know the danger of getting swept into it. If we are sucked into this place, we intuitively understand the difficulty of exiting

This realization is the point at which we are open to HOPE. We may not know how to navigate, we may not have faith we'll find it, we may feel isolated and lonely, or we may wonder how others who have suffered this pain seem to be farther along the road. Regardless, there is something inside that encourages us to get out of the way of that ugly machine.

For this journey there is no timeline. There is no prescribed way to navigate. The only ticket required for travel is the desire to seek. No matter how low you feel, the universal truth is others have had to go through the same loss and have felt the same way you are feeling right now. Some will travel a little way along the road and get stuck, some will appear to have travelled great distances, but we all start from the same place of devastation and despair.

Throughout the journey sources will arise that speak your truth. Conversely, there will be sources you determine are not speaking to your soul.  Seeking hope is a critical component. The Cheshire cat had sage advice for Alice:

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered.

"Then," said the cat, 'it doesn't matter."

~Lewis Carroll/Alice in Wonderland

Recommended Links:

#1. Dr Mark Pitstick talks about how he speaks to families about the death of their child.
#2. Part 2 of Dr. Mark Pitstics message