Today would have been your 22nd birthday Molly. I can’t help but remember everything about the day you were born; the first moment I held you in my arms and said, “I love you”.
Two years ago I couldn’t fathom the rest of my life without you here. I’m still not sure I ever really will.
Though they say time heals……..I can’t honestly say I feel better, or healed, or have ‘moved on’ since your death. I’m not sure any parent can make such a claim, though they may smile appear ‘fine’ on the outside. One thing I can say is your death has caused a transformation in me. “Religion in a box’ has been opened wide and my belief system has expanded by leaps and bounds. I continue to believe in God and Heaven, yet I see and accept so much more.
I know that you exist in heaven; an infinite realm with unlimited resources. You have the ability to watch over us and observe as we continue on this earthly journey. I have felt your presence countless times. Here on earth we exist in a physical realm, bound by finite limits, where our true nature is tested.
I awoke at 3am with you on my mind. I wished you a happy birthday, then cried. In this pain I am thankful that the universe is infinite; that God is the wellspring of all positive energy and love; and that your lovely exuberant soul continues to exist in that realm. For me, that defines hope. There is no end.
A little over two years ago, I remember standing on the front lawn of your new house, hugging and kissing you goodbye as we left that ‘first’ visit with you and Rich to continue on our vacation…...and you cried. That was the last time I saw you ….and held you.
Last month, as dad and I sat in the car in front of your house in Provo, I asked God for understanding. I felt I could look through the walls and see all of your furnishings , even the things you grew up with from home. I could feel your energy and remember your excitement about the future. I saw the dining table given from Grandma and Grandpa, the green comfy recliners you loved from home, the bed from your room….everything. It was surreal to be on the outside, sitting on the street …..looking at your home.
We sat at the Springfield 7-11 near the air pump; our first visit to that site. I envisioned that day and felt an overwhelming need to know that God protected you and wouldn't allow you to suffer. I couldn’t bear the thought of you suffering. I couldn’t imagine you there….and I wanted to hold you and tell you everything would be alright.
These are the realities of losing a child, of losing you Molly. I’ve written much about this journey and spoken to hundreds of grieving parents since Sept 27, 2009. I’m glad God is good. He calls us to be compassionate towards one another and to have faith. He asks us to love one another. Jesus loves us….this I know.
On this day, your birthday, I remember all the years, all the laughter, all the ‘firsts’, all the love….and though I am broken hearted, I am thankful to have had you.
With eternal love,
Mama
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